You've probably heard all the rave about vulnerability: instant human magnet, all their emotional needs met, confidence seeping through their pores. You watch how some people can embody their true selves no matter where they are or who they are with. You see how they are affirmed in who they are and what they value, regardless of how controversial their views may be. How do they do it? You wonder.
While we know that vulnerability is what helps us connect with others, that secret sauce that maintains authentic relationships and allows us to give and receive support more intimately. What we don’t know is why it’s so challenging for us to feel vulnerable.
Vulnerability is making some big, bold claims, and it’s certainly enticing. And yet, despite knowing these benefits, you still may struggle with vulnerability with others. Let’s examine a few reasons practicing vulnerability, emotional exposure, and being your true self is so damn difficult.
1. You Weren't Modeled Vulnerability
We have the best intentions when in social situations; we set out wanting to practice “being ourselves” - because let’s face it: no one wants to be socially rejected. Unfortunately, we might have been graced with some poor starter pack advice when it comes to what being vulnerable actually means. What did emotional vulnerability look like in your own family? Were your parents open about their mental health? Was it safe to express negative emotions when you were having a hard time?
Maybe. But probably not.
If you were like many people, you might have grown up in environments where vulnerability was either discouraged or downright punished. So, from a young age, you may have learned that crying was weak, anger was irrational, fear was dramatic, and that only positive emotions were acceptable. You might have also internalized that if you did have complex feelings, you needed to deal with them on your own; you may have come to believe that expressing yourself to others was burdensome.
If genuine vulnerability wasn't shown to you, odds are you have a faded blueprint for what showing up authentically really looks like. Before you start kicking yourself, being vulnerable and expressing your thoughts, feelings, and opinions is attainable. Cultivating stronger relationships is in your future.
2. You Experienced Trauma
It's estimated that 70% of U.S. adults experience trauma at some point in their lives. Trauma can be physical, emotional, psychological, or sexual and the effects run deep.
While the impact of trauma affects everyone differently, it can significantly erode your sense of safety in the world. It’s no surprise that you may keep others at arm's length to protect yourself. Avoiding connections and forming deeper relationships is a way to prevent us from getting hurt.
These responses are valid. As humans, it is within our innate being to protect ourselves from perceived threats. Distancing yourself from others is a way of taking care of yourself.
Unfortunately, avoiding vulnerability can keep you armored around others with a mountain-high wall used to keep others out; instead of enjoying meaningful relationships, you may be overwhelmed with feeling hypervigilant or mistrustful - constantly worrying about how others perceive you.
3. You're Used to Giving (Rather Than Receiving)
Do you embrace vulnerability in others? Are you the person people come to when they're having a challenging time or needing additional support? In other words, have you been the listening ear and confidant for your friends and family?
If so, you may be skilled in providing emotional safety for other people, but the idea of these roles reversed may feel like a foreign concept to you. This lopsided dynamic isn't entirely uncommon- especially if you work in a helping profession or have been encouraged or reinforced to provide support and care to others - but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t come with its fair share of consequences.
In romantic relationships, for example, you might become the caregiver, deeply attuned to your romantic partner and what they need. All while withholding your own feelings, harboring inner frustrations and upset, which may be unaware to others, as you so seemingly come across as distant or aloof. In professional relationships, you may come across as the independent, competent worker bee, who hasn’t advocated for a raise in the last 3 years…. Even if you encourage others to be vulnerable, engaging in it yourself may feel uncomfortable or wrong.
4. Vulnerability Feels Like Weakness
There's no doubt that culture, gender, and societal expectations can all shape how you perceive vulnerability. Over time, these messages become implicit - you may come to believe that vulnerability is actually a bad thing.
For example, many men are told to “toughen up” and “be strong” cue the traditional movie line: just rub some dirt in it.Or you may have grown up with religious messages that you should pray over it instead of talking about or sharing your vulnerable feelings with others.
And so, when you feel afraid, you might automatically dismiss how you feel with internalized messages like, There's nothing to be worried about! I'm overreacting. Or, if you feel sad, you might begin intellectualizing with platitudes like, I shouldn't be sad. I have so much to be grateful for.
5. You Have Low Self-Esteem
Sharing personal details about your life can be a large emotional risk. For those of us who struggle with confidence, there may be a looming fear that the other person may reject us. You might also have concerns that you’ll regret what you said later on, spiraling about every little embarrassing thing you did.
People with a stable sense of self-acceptance can generally absorb this risk. If you're comfortable with yourself, you may have less difficulty expressing your “true self.”
But if you experience low self-esteem, you may struggle to identify aspects of your identity, making it more challenging to show up as your authentic self. You might be used to masking around others, conforming to the masses, and unsure of how someone will respond if you were to express yourself more openly. You may also avoid vulnerability because you don't think people will care about how you feel or what you need. Trying to be vulnerable while experiencing low self-esteem, blanket statement, sucks.
6. You Don't Have Safe or Supportive Relationships
It's hard to practice even small acts of vulnerability when others aren't receptive to your emotions. While no relationship is perfect, abusive or hostile relationships make it inherently unsafe to let your guard down. Exposing the raw parts of yourself can come with dangerous consequences including criticism, rejection, shaming, and intimidation.
Ideally, a healthy, supportive relationship offers:
mutual reciprocity of vulnerability (both people sharing and receiving emotions)
a sense of closeness, trust, and intimacy
active listening, respect, and empathy
shared sense of responsibility
the ability to give and receive feedback safely
Therapy for Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem, and Increased Vulnerability
Practicing vulnerability isn't as easy as just doing it (Nike can be a little overzealous…). Struggles with vulnerability are super common and it can be tempting to avoid expressing your true vulnerability and true self to others.
This doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It is well within our human nature to want deeper connections and to fit in with others. For some people, that means presenting with their best self even if they're really struggling inside. For others, it may just feel easier to give to others rather than to ask for support.
Therapy offers a safe space to experiment with expressing your emotions and being seen for them. In this environment, your needs are welcomed and embraced. There is no expectation about how you “should” act. You get to exist at your own pace and on your terms. Learning how to practice vulnerability with your therapist can set the stage for practicing vulnerability with others.
At Authentically Living Psychological Services, we embrace a human-first, existential, compassionate approach to helping our clients. If you're interested in learning more about our therapy services, we welcome you to contact us today to get started.
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