Self-care seems to be the buzzword of the decade. Are you depressed? You should practice more self-care! Do you feel anxious? Have you tried self-care? Are you persistently overworked and irritated at your boss? Then you definitely need to engage in better self-care and quit your job while you're at it!
While self-care absolutely has its place in emotional wellness, it's equally important to be aware of its shortcomings and limitations. Self-care can be a great practice, but participating in self-care activities doesn't inherently rid yourself of negative emotions, improve your self-esteem, or leave you feeling like a boss ass.
What Does Practicing Self-Care Mean?
We get it! With all the therapist reels preaching self-care - we know it’s important, but what actually is self-care, and which activities fall under it?
If you’re scratching your head wondering what it all entails, you’re not alone! We’re therapists and we also struggle with trusting our own self-care activities at times. It's not as straightforward as it sounds.
Self-care refers to deliberately aiming to improve or maintain health and wellness. It is multidimensional and includes intentionally incorporating activities and self-care interventions that can support your mental, spiritual, and physical health. Self-care can often consist of both needed activities (like going to the doctor when you don't feel well) and desired activities (like taking a nap instead of completing another chore). Embracing self-care is an attempt to look after your needs and wants to promote health. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it can’t be perfect, but it can be an ongoing practice.
If you remember anything from reading this piece, remember this: self-care is unique; what is restorative for one person may not provide the same effects for someone else. For example, just because your friend feels relaxed after a deep-tissue massage, that doesn't mean heading to the spa will reduce your stress. Instead, you may experience rest, relaxation, and a sense of refueling by going to the beach or rewatching your favorite trash television shows.
So what isn’t self-care?: It isn't permission for total indulgence or hedonism. There's a significant distinction between treating yourself with love and having a “brat” summer (aka: buying that sweater you've been eyeing for months) and self-destruction (going rogue and blowing your entire paycheck on clothes when you’ve been conscious of budgeting).
Understanding the Self-Care Limits
Although self-care has the potential to improve your well-being and assist in making you more engaged in daily life, it isn't a total remedy for all things mental health. We promise we aren’t trying to send mixed messages: self-care is important and it also comes with limitations. This isn't meant to sound discouraging; in fact, knowing the limits of a particular activity can foster a sense of empowerment. When you know what something can and can't offer, you're more informed to make decisions that align with your personal needs.
So what are these dreadful limitations?...
Self-Care Doesn't Address How Systemic Problems Affect Physical and Mental Health
It would be ignorant to disregard how pervasive societal factors (e.g. the economy, capitalism, discrimination) affect individual well-being. These factors can affect your well-being, and getting a manicure won't eliminate, say, the effects of chronic racism.
And even though people are encouraged to manage stress through self-care, many forms of stress management are commodified. For example, eating a nutritious, well-rounded diet is often considered an important part of physical self-care. And while this may be true, it’s really difficult to practice when it’s challenging to pay for groceries. While there is merit in the concept that self-care largely focuses on each individual's responsibility for wellness, systemic issues limit accessibility to certain self-care practices.
Self-Care Won't Necessarily Change How You Feel
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but here's the thing: you can do all the self-care activities the health gurus are throwing your way, get enough sleep, engage in regular exercise, spend time with loved ones, and you can still struggle with your mental health and overall well being.
Life is complex, and emotions can ebb and flow. While a self-care routine may assist you to feel more grounded, it won't inherently protect you against feeling stagnant, depressed, ashamed, sad, lonely, or anxious.
At the end of the day, feelings are just feelings. They aren’t bad or wrong, and they don't necessarily need to be changed or stopped. In fact, our emotions are like little snippets of information; windows to the soul. If you're engaging in a particular self-care activity to try to eliminate these snippets of information, you may have set some unrealistic expectations for yourself.
Self-Care Can Initially Make You Feel Worse
Maybe you practice self-care...but it’s actually stirring up some bad stuff for you. This can happen for several reasons:
you feel guilty looking after your own health
you're so busy that self-care feels like just another task to check off your list
you aren't used to prioritizing your emotional needs
you're expecting self-care to "fix" your feelings or change your self-esteem
Over time, most people find that incorporating self-care does improve their well-being. However, it's not a complete remedy for happiness or self-worth.
What Are the Best Self-Care Practices?
So, given the limitations, does self-care actually matter? Yes, absolutely! You still play a foundational role in taking care of your emotional health, and self-care plays a vital role in helping you enjoy life. No matter what’s happening in your world, you get to choose to treat yourself with love and kindness. You have that control and autonomy. You get to elect it in the ways you need. While the World Health Organization might recommend a balanced diet to maintain health and practice self-care, there are other helpful activities to consider.
While self-care looks different for everyone, here are some strategies that you may benefit from trying:
Mindfulness
The benefits of mindfulness are boundless; learning how to stay in the present moment is associated with decreased stress, lowered symptoms of depression and anxiety, and improvement in well-being.
Many people confuse mindfulness with formal meditation. They think it means you have to sit cross-legged and chant over and over again while focusing only on your breath. Mindfulness can include meditation, but mindfulness is really just an umbrella term for how you choose to be in the here and now. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither will your ability to practice present-moment living; it can be helpful to start small, sitting still for a few moments, or describing a minor observation you’re making. Like any muscle, mindfulness needs to be exercised regularly.
To flex this muscle, consider:
completing a body scan and checking in with how your body physically feels in a given moment
taking several deep breaths and simply paying attention to the inhalation and exhalation
practicing mindful eating when munching on some cheese doodles
doing a single task intentionally (without trying to multitask - #guilty)
walking outside and taking in the scenery around you
And (my personal favorite) mindfully cleaning…there’s nothing better than using your favorite scented house cleaning product and going to town on the dishes jamming out to your favorite tune.
Spending Time with People Who Make You Feel Good
We're social creatures, and research consistently shows that the more you surround yourself with positive support, the better you can feel. This is especially important if you struggle with isolation or low self-esteem.
With that, emotional self-care may also entail setting boundaries around people who drain your energy. You're allowed to say no to requests that don't interest you; you're also allowed to limit your time with people who make you feel shitty about yourself.
Creating a Sense of Purpose
What gives you fulfillment in your life? What makes you feel attuned to the world around you? When you feel the most authentically you, what are you doing?
Purpose doesn't need to be this massive, groundbreaking, momentous achievement. It can come in minute, tiny pleasures, including the emotional wave you get playing a sport or the deep connection you feel vegging out on the couch with your slobbery companion.
When it comes to self-care, consider adding more activities that instill a sense of purpose. Purpose can make life feel full and fulfilling. Prioritizing it can make you feel more connected to yourself, others, and the world around you.
Self-Compassion
Self-compassion refers to practicing kindness towards yourself. Instead of attacking yourself for “making a mistake,” you can pause, acknowledge your humanness, and try to ease into the practice of acceptance and self-understanding.
Self-compassion isn't the same as "letting yourself off the hook" or avoiding accountability. It's about embracing a gentler attitude toward yourself, especially during vulnerable moments. When you engage in self-compassion, you aim to treat yourself the way you'd treat a friend.
Therapy for Better Self-Esteem, Joy, and Authenticity
Understanding the limits of self-care can be helpful for anyone seeking to navigate their mental health and overall well-being. While self-care practices like going to the salon, practicing breath work, and taking time off from work are valuable and can provide some restoration, they are often just one piece of the puzzle. Systemic issues, the complexities that come with life, and the givens that come with human emotion create a tough feat for self-care activities to conquer.
While self-care comes with benefits, addressing your self-esteem, difficult life experiences, and living a life that’s joyous and meaningful can use the assistance of therapy. To compliment your valiant self-care efforts, with the assistance of therapy, you’ll be provided a space to explore insecurities, address painful experiences, and develop your identity - learning to make decisions that align with your values and authentic self.
At Authentically Living Psychological Services, we sincerely care about your health and well-being. Contact us today to connect with one of our therapists and get started.
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