That beautiful thing we call the circle of life includes that really ugly part: loss. Loss is inevitable and the grief that accompanies loss often moves us through powerful phases of sadness, anger, guilt, worry, and dread. These emotions can ebb and flow or cycle quickly, coming at you like a rough wave - overwhelming and completely unbearable.
The experience that sometimes goes unmentioned, though, is numbness and this particular emotion can feel confusing and isolating, especially when there may be a societal expectation for you to grieve a certain way. Below we'll touch on the grieving process, mental health implications, when and why you might experience emotional numbness, and how you can still embrace grieving when emotionally numb.
What Does the Grieving Process Entail?
First things first - there is no right or wrong way to grieve. All reactions are acceptable. It's also normal to not have some of the common responses many people experience after loss. Mental health is nuanced, and we can't force ourselves to feel any particular way.
As we’re unraveling and navigating these rough sea waters, we may experience many of the following:
regret about what we did or didn't do with the person we lost
fear about what life will look like moving forward
deep sorrow about what "will never be" in the future
relief that the person we lost is no longer in pain or suffering
anger about the injustice of life and death
intensified death anxiety about yourself or others
apathy or nihilistic thoughts about the general purpose of life
desire to move through uncomfortable feelings through substances, food, work, or other distractions
shifting of priorities about what really matters in life
feeling disconnected from yourself, others, and the world around you
decline in mental health and overall functioning
Grief is a personal journey and the array of feelings and experiences we encounter - regret, sorrow, relief, anger, apathy, and shifts in how we move through the world afterward - are unique, personal, and valid. Grieving is truly at one's own pace and with one's own feelings.
Grief and Numbness: What's the Relationship?
If you're feeling emotionally numb, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you (even if it feels like there is). Loss, even when anticipated, can be a wild shock to the system.
Some people experience emotional numbness after going through the busy motions after a death. For example, maybe you managed all the logistics and tended to friends and family. The numbness may roll in after those tasks pass and the initial shock wears off.
Numbness may also occur in response to complicated grief, (sometimes coined as prolonged grief disorder). This happens when the grieving process feels so overwhelming that the body just feels like it shuts down.
During holidays and anniversaries, the numbness can really take over. It might feel as if your body is just on autopilot - mindlessly going through the motions.
It’s also common to experience numbness when losing someone you have had a complicated relationship with. If the relationship with the person you lost was strained, toxic, distant, or tumultuous it’s easy to not really know how to feel.
Whether you expected the loss after a family member was diagnosed with a terminal illness, or the death was traumatic and completely unexpected, there is no manual or way to grieve properly and it's completely normal to feel numb.
Numbness and Disenfranchised Grief
Disenfranchised grief can occur when you experience a loss that others may not observe, validate, or even accept. Many types of losses may fall under this category, including:
losing someone you never know (i.e. an unknown relative)
abortions, infertility, or miscarriages
death of animals or family pets
death by suicide or overdose
estrangement of loved ones
Feeling emotionally numb may be your body's way of reconciling the confusion, sadness, or angst experienced with this type of loss. Whether you're aware of this or not, it just may not feel safe to experience your grief within your ordinary day-to-day living; there may be concern that those around you, and society at large, will not validate or recognize your loss. You may also doubt whether you’re allowed to grieve this kind of loss, as well, leading to numbness and emotional distancing.
Numbness and Inhibited Grief
Inhibited grief refers to disregarding the emotions of grief because it simply feels too insufferable. We may use logic, appear stoic, and instead of leaning into our emotions, we try to suppress them.
Sometimes inhibited grief shows up somatically through physical aches, gastrointestinal distress, fatigue, headaches, and sleep disturbances. In other words, the body is holding onto intense emotions even if your mind isn't as attuned.
In the Western world, we’ve gotten really good at suppressing our emotions, ignoring how we actually feel, and putting a brave face on.
How to Work Through Emotional Numbness
You may feel totally numb right now. Or, part of you may be numb, but another part recognizes other feelings of sadness, anger, or confusion. It's completely common to have these various emotions, as losing someone can evoke all kinds of different reactions.
Again, there's no right way to grieve, but here are some gentle reminders that can support you during this tender process.
Journal About the Loss
If you're feeling numb, writing may help you get in touch with your emotions. Sometimes it's easier to write about how you feel than to share it aloud, and that's perfectly okay.
Not sure how to begin? Consider setting a timer for 5-10 minutes and simply writing about your loss. No rules. No expectations. There's nothing you need to include or focus on - notice what comes up and allow anything that needs to be expressed to be expressed.
If you'd like a prompt to get started, borrow one of these below:
My biggest frustration with grief right now is ___
I wish I could tell my loved one ____
My favorite memory of us together is ____
Right now, I am most scared that ____
When it comes to my loss, I wish other people understand that ___
Join a Support Group
Bereavement groups can evoke feelings of comfort and relief. You'll be surrounded by other individuals also moving through their grief journeys. There can be respite in learning how other people move through grief and talk about what is occurring for them
If you decide to join a group, remember that there are no expectations beyond being respectful of other members. You don't have to speak if you don't want to share. You're allowed to process in your own way at your own time.
Check In With Your Body
Even though you might think you're numb, your body may tell a different story. We hold various emotional responses in our bodies. During trying situations, your body releases stress hormones, such as cortisol, which may increase your heart rate and blood pressure, as well as lead to headaches, sleep disruptions, and memory issues. In fact, if you feel like you're "on guard" or "shut down," this could be a sign that your sympathetic nervous system is active. This part of your body regulates your "fight or flight" response - when it's in overdrive, it may feel like you're always hypervigilant.
Bodywork and other mindful exercises can be supportive practices when grieving and working through numbness, as well as ease sympathetic arousal. These practices can and should be low-stakes energy-wise. It starts with familiarizing yourself with various sensations. For example, ask yourself, What do I notice happening to my body right now? Do I note any tightness? Any physical pain? Any areas that feel hot or cold? Any other sensations that stand out?
Grief Therapy for Death and Loss
Therapy can be helpful at any point, regardless of when you experienced loss. It offers a safe space to explore your varying emotions without concern for others' needs, judgments, and “helpful” suggestions. While therapy won't rid you of the pain, it will provide a holding environment for immense safety and support.
You deserve to be witnessed during this vulnerable time. At Authentically Living Psychological Services, we can support you with your emotional numbness, and we can also help you tap into other feelings that you may be experiencing.
Bringing humility and humanness, we provide an open, compassionate, and accepting space for you to navigate the depths of grief and the accompanying experiences. We hope to make your grief process feel even an ounce less lonely.
Contact us today to schedule an initial consultation.
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