Perfectionism, Existential Anxiety, and the Fear of Doing Life Wrong

Key takeaway: Perfectionism isn't just about having high standards or wanting to accomplish important things. It can also be a much bigger project of trying to make sure you don't screw up your one life. Existential anxiety can make perfectionism louder because being alive requires you to make choices without knowing how they will turn out. You can research, plan, achieve, and optimize relentlessly, but you'll keep facing the same truth: there is no objectively correct way to be a person. And that can be unsettling.

So you're a high-achiever, and you like doing things well.

Maybe you have always been responsible, the one who has everything together even if everyone else seems to be scrambling. Maybe you think ahead and plan for emergencies, always trying to stay one step ahead of what could potentially go wrong. Maybe you research meticulously before making decisions. Maybe you have strong opinions about doing things "the right way," even if you're self-aware enough to realize there is no objective right way.

None of these patterns are necessarily problematic. Mistakes come with consequences, and it can feel rewarding to accomplish important milestones. There's no need to strip you of your ambition.

But perfectionism starts getting complicated as the stakes get higher.

When you're young, the focus tends to be more concrete and linear: I need to get an A in this class because I want to keep getting good grades and get into a good college and secure a good career. But as you get older, the goalposts move, and the energy behind those goalposts can feel a bit more elusive.

Suddenly, it's: How do I make sure I'm choosing the right career? Am I with the best partner? Am I wasting my potential? Should I be happier than I feel right now? What if I regret all of this in ten years? What if everyone else is living better than me, and I'm really missing out on something?

Welcome to the existential side of perfectionism.

At Authentically Living Psychological Services, we can meet you here, in this liminal space that sits within the existential framework underlying your deep striving. We know that the urge for perfectionism isn't just about optimizing your morning routine or producing immaculate work. We recognize that our clients who want to be perfect are often trying to answer those deeper, unsettling questions like, How do I make sure I don't get my life wrong? How can I feel safe when things often feel so uncertain?

What Really is Perfectionism?

Perfectionism creates a predictable sense of order. If you can figure out the right thing to do and execute it well enough, maybe you can avoid some of the messier realities that come with being human.

Of course, life doesn't really cooperate with this agreement.

On a logical level, you know this. You can do everything "right" and still get rejected. You can work incredibly hard and still fail. You can be thoughtful and caring and still hurt your friend's feelings.

But emotionally, it’s hard to hold this duality, and this is where perfectionism starts intersecting with existential anxiety. The standards themselves may not be the issue. The deeper struggle exists within the space when you're faced with circumstances where no amount of effort can guarantee a specific outcome.

We often define perfectionism as holding oneself to high standards and being highly critical when those standards aren't met.

Yes, this is true. It's also somewhat too simplistic.

Perfectionism transcends performance because it encompasses how you relate to yourself and the world around you. If you are perfectionistic, everything is up for scrutiny. Even things that feel "good enough" can be optimized. Achieving important goals feels exciting, but the excitement is rarely sustainable. It's just onto the next thing.

Perfectionism also often coincides with an overarching desire to be "good." You want to be a "good" partner or parent or friend or employee. You want to be "good" in your behaviors and health, and even slight mistakes can trigger a deep sense that something is wrong with you.

Signs Perfectionism May Be Taking Up Too Much Space

Believe it or not, but perfectionism isn't always obvious. And it may not always be a negative thing- you may be incredibly successful and genuinely appreciate many of the qualities associated with your perfectionism.

The question is whether those qualities still feel like choices or whether you feel you must operate this way to feel okay or safe.

Perfectionism may be bigger than you realize if you recognize that you:

• frequently have a hard time making decisions because you're afraid of making the wrong choice

• spend excessive time researching all the potential choices

• replay conversations and think about what you should have said differently

• procrastinate because you're worried you won't do something well enough

• struggle to actually enjoy accomplishments before thinking about what's next

• feel guilty when you're resting or not being productive

• compare your timeline, career, relationships, or success to other people's

• feel especially sensitive to criticism or disappointing someone

• frequently question whether you're living up to your potential

• struggle to delegate because other people may not do things "correctly"

• have difficulty identifying when something is actually good enough

• regularly wonder whether you're making the most of your life

  
  

Again, none of these things are morally bad or wrong. But if your standards don't leave any room for nuance, mistakes, rest, or simply changing your mind, the cost of perfectionism starts getting really steep.

The Illusion That There is a "Right" or "Perfect" Choice

The intersection between perfectionism and anxiety often lies in the fantasy that perfect answers exist. 

Unfortunately, there is no rubric for guaranteeing a perfect life. At some point, you have to make choices. And you have to accept that life is full of many difficult trade-offs. This is when existential anxiety often creeps in, confronting you with the basic realities about the human condition: we have freedom, our choices have consequences, uncertainty is unavoidable, relationships make us vulnerable, time is finite, and we have to decide for ourselves what makes our lives meaningful.

Let's play it out in simple terms. Say you're planning a vacation, which seems straightforward enough.

Until you start planning things out. Now you need to pick the right destination. So, you start researching. You compare hotels, read reviews, check the weather, investigate every potential restaurant. You find a beautiful hotel and then discover another beautiful hotel that's $40 cheaper per night but eleven minutes farther from something you might want to do.

You have fifty tabs open on your laptop, but now, you're no longer just planning a vacation. You feel existential dread because you're trying to guarantee that the ‘Future You’ will have the best possible experience and won't discover halfway through the trip that another option would have been better.

This is perfectionism's favorite promise: if you gather enough information, you will make the right choice, and this will eliminate the possibility of regret.

Unfortunately, you can't guarantee this.

You might book the objectively beautiful hotel and hate the location. You might plan a great itinerary but get sick on day two. You might get so hungry that you spontaneously stop into a random cafe for a quick lunch, and it turns out to be the best meal of your trip.

This mental process applies to everything in life, whether it's choosing your career, partner, home, children, or how you want to spend an open Saturday afternoon. Even when the stakes get higher, the existential problem remains: you must continue to choose without knowing exactly what happens next.

When Achievement Feels Like You're Doing Life "Right"

Perfectionism often creates a desire for tangible, measurable success. So you find yourself holding onto what's concrete: numbers, grades, degrees, promotions, income, awards, followers, miles, deadlines. Check, check, check.

Something is reassuring about fixed milestones because you know when you've accomplished something. And theoretically, you should feel content and proud of yourself. But what tends to happen is more existential concerns show up.

That's because you discover there really is no obvious endpoint. You'll never actually feel like you've accomplished enough, and even if you've achieved tremendous success, the still moments cause you to ask, Is this really what life is? Am I really enough? Am I missing something?

But slowing down feels uncomfortable or even impossible. Because when you stop doing things, you're forced to sit with yourself. Without a goal or obvious metric, those existential questions can feel even louder.

Perfectionism and the Fear of Wasting Your Life

We all know that time is finite, and this truth can make you want to use it well. But perfectionism heightens the pressure around optimization and timing. Now you need the right relationship, enough money, meaningful friendships, interesting hobbies, optimal health, family time, emotional growth, adequate sleep, and plenty of time for mindfulness practices.

If this is you, the fear of wasting your life may have turned your actual life into something that you're constantly evaluating. In this space, it's hard to relax or even engage in the present moment. There's a constant sense of falling behind or not doing enough.

Even happiness can become another performance metric. Am I enjoying this enough?

As you move through the routine of your daily life, awareness of your own mortality can certainly give you some grounded perspective. But that doesn't mean you need to extract maximum value from every moment.

Perfectionism Can Be a Very Sophisticated Way of Avoiding Vulnerability

Do the following sound familiar?

If I do everything correctly, I will be loved. If I anticipate everyone's needs, nobody gets disappointed. If I always present as competent, nobody will think I'm foolish or dumb. If I never really have needs, I don't have to get rejected.

Perfectionism offers a shield of protection, as it helps us to feel less exposed to criticism, shame, uncertainty, and abandonment. This isn't a bad thing, and there's certainly nothing wrong with striving for perfection. However, genuine closeness requires many of the things perfectionism tries to prevent.

Because the truth is that you will make mistakes, and you will misunderstand people, and someone will get disappointed at some point. You will need something at an inconvenient time, and you will say something that makes you cringe afterward.

This is part of the collective human experience, and real relationships require enough room for imperfection to actually happen. Otherwise, people will only know you for your external performance. They won't really see who you truly are, and this can feel incredibly lonely.

The Existential Fatigue of Constant Self-Growth

There's a lot of pressure to become the best version of yourself. Think about the focus of most modern marketing, where you're bombarded with messages around self-improvement. Biohack your sleep! Get your protein! Regulate your nervous system! Heal your attachment style! Train for a marathon!

We're not saying growth isn't meaningful, and that self-reflection doesn't have its place. It feels good to take care of yourself, and it definitely feels good to embrace habits that strengthen your physical or mental health.

But it's important to acknowledge that perfectionism can twist self-improvement into a layered rejection of who you currently are. 

Perfectionism makes it seem like there's this future version of you who is wealthier, prettier, less reactive, more regulated, and better rested. Because ‘Current You’ doesn't stack up to this 'perfect' self, it may feel like you can't really settle into your life because you may still be treating yourself like an unfinished work-in-progress.

How does therapy help with perfectionism and existential anxiety?

We're not interested in taking away your ambition or attention to detail. Instead, we want to help you get curious about when your standards feel chosen and when they feel obligatory or even compulsive. 

Existential therapy gives us room to explore deep questions about the human condition without pretending we're going to land on some secret formula for making all the correct choices. The idea is that you can develop a different relationship with uncertainty, responsibility, regret, and your own edges of humanity.

Can perfectionism trigger existential anxiety?

Yes, at some point people with perfectionism find themselves stuck between wanting to make the right choices while recognizing that many of life’s greatest questions don’t have objectively right answers.

But perfectionism can exacerbate existential anxiety when you start believing that life comes with 'perfect' or 'right' answers. You may find yourself spiraling about whether you chose the right career, relationship, values, or way of spending your limited time. The harder you try to guarantee you're doing life correctly, the more frustrating it can feel to confront how much exists outside of your control.

Why is it so hard to practice self-compassion?

Self-compassion is easy in theory but very challenging in practice. Self-criticism can be motivating, and it often helps people maintain a sense of ambition. Being kinder to yourself may feel like you're "letting yourself off the hook," which can feel risky if being hard on yourself led you to be successful. 

You may worry that if you stop criticizing yourself, you’ll become lazy or complacent. But self-compassion doesn't mean abandoning your standards or pretending mistakes don't matter. You can learn to hold yourself accountable without making every imperfection a character flaw.

How can therapy help with death anxiety?

Many people experience existential anxiety because the idea of death forces us to confront realities we want to avoid: time is limited, and we have very little control over how and when that time ends.

Death anxiety touches some of our deepest concerns about what it means to be human: uncertainty, loss, separation, control, and the ongoing awareness that time is fleeting. It's a lot to take in.

But instead of convincing yourself not to fear mortality (which is probably unrealistic!), therapy can help you explore what that fear means and how you want to live alongside it.

Why is it so hard for me to make decisions?

First things first- there are so many options available to you! It can be overwhelming to really narrow down the infinite choices you can make in a given moment.

Perfectionism offers an illusion that the right answer exists. And so, people spend time cultivating more research, opinions, pros-and-cons, online searches, and rumination to find that answer. But as you know, big decisions often involve discerning competing values rather than one obvious solution. 

At some point, making a choice means knowing that you can't know exactly how it will turn out. Yes, this can be hard and sometimes annoying, but it’s also what it means to be human.

How do I start letting go of perfectionism?

We start slowly. We start by noticing where perfectionism is helping you and where it may be making life more challenging. We practice tolerating a little more uncertainty or letting something be 'good enough.' We practice resting without earning it first or making a choice without researching it for hours.

If this process sounds too slow, that's because perfectionism would like you to become less perfectionistic as efficiently as possible. Unfortunately, that's kind of the whole thing. Letting go of perfectionism often means resisting the urge to turn growth into another measurable achievement.

How do I know if existential therapy is a good fit for me?

We find that existential therapy resonates well with people interested in exploring more than symptom reduction. Maybe you're asking the big questions in life, the ones about your identity, meaning, relationships, regret, freedom, loneliness, and whether this life actually feels like yours. If that’s the case, existential therapy helps if you feel drawn to understanding yourself more deeply.

You don't need to be having an existential crisis. Existential therapy simply gives you room to wrestle with the complicated parts of being human while practicing acceptance for all of life's unavoidable edges.

Therapy for Perfectionism and Existential Anxiety in NYC and Montclair, NJ

At Authentically Living Psychological Services, we specialize in existential therapy for our deep feelers and deep thinkers who are skilled at analyzing their lives but still struggle with trusting themselves or coping with uncertainty. 

We're not here to take away your ambition or hand you some correct formula for living. Instead, we're here to help you explore your complex relationship with perfectionism, anxiety, meaning, and the existential thoughts keeping you up at night. Together, we will get curious about what it might feel like to trust yourself (and move forward in life) even when certainty isn't available.

Our therapists provide therapy for perfectionism and anxiety in New York City and Montclair, NJ, along with virtual therapy for eligible clients in 40 PSYPACT states.

Please reach out to schedule a free consultation or get matched with a therapist.